Life Has Me In Its Prison

Trapped by morbidprincess08

I have felt imprisoned for months.  Trapped by circumstances beyond my control and seeing no way out.  This time forces me to face my own life, mortality, future, what it is I want to do with all of it...  Do I surrender to this cage I find myself in?  Feeling my chest cave in from the lack of air it seems to have, even though I can see the whole world around me...  So, I began to make changes to make myself feel useful instead of surrendering to this cage I find myself in.  The changes are for the better, but with changes come having to adapt and learn new things.  I make changes to feel the freedom from one problem only to have to accept a whole new set of problems.

Now I find myself seeing a way out.  Like finding a key on the ground beneath this cage I find myself suspended in.  I start college in the hopes that I can reach that key that lies just outside of my arm's reach.  My frustration and impatience increases so I finally find a job.  Maybe this will at least help me be patient until winds of change hopefully move that key a little bit closer.

Something I wasn't counting on was how exhausting it is to learn something new.  Not only do I need to learn how to be in college now, but I need to learn a new job.  I have had my comfort zone ripped away from me.  So even if I get free from this cage, I feel as though I'm going to need to learn to walk all over again.  Being suspended has made me feel as though all of my muscles have atrophied and I'm having to start all over in every aspect of my life.

I try to get excited about being free but I am becoming more and more painfully aware of how little I know that's out there.  My ego is bruised as I am constantly reminded, day after day of how little I actually know.  I try to remember times when people came to me with questions or advice in a secular capacity and hope that one day I can feel that confidence again.  I remind myself that I can still be that person for my friends in a personal capacity.  This is what keeps me going.  Knowing I have something to offer on a personal level helps me have faith that this will eventually bleed into a secular and/or an educational level.

Now combine all of these new changes with starting my life all over again on a personal level too.  Doing everything all by myself and learning who I am and being determined to see who that woman really is that I see in the mirror and loving who's looking back at me.  Learning how to just be Micah without allowing anyone else defining me or trying to keep me in that cage.  Learning not only who I am but the magnitude of how other people affect me on every level, what I am comfortable with and what I am not.  Learning to establish my own boundaries and limits without them being defined by someone else either.  Then learning how to help other people through these steps as well when I myself am just a constant work in progress, still reaching for that key...

Trapped by afterthequake